Game 52: Emerald

[dramatispersonae]

[ You're in the middle of an empty field, save for your team and a table large enough to seat everyone. On the table are pen and paper, as well as a small black box. The box itself has an area covered with wire mesh and a large red button on it labeled "Record". As you settle in, a voice seems to come out of nowhere: ]

Today, we're here to test your wilderness survival skills. Are you ready?

(OOC: Each situation is both read aloud and can be found written on a piece of paper on the table. Answers can be written or spoken into the recorder.)

Comments

SITUATION ONE

[dramatispersonae]

A normal human male who has not jerked off in two weeks, but is looking quite fetching in his kilt, sports shoes, and sweater, has just been spotted by a pack of werecamels. They begin circling around her, looking very hungry. If you were this completely normal human, how would you escape from the werecamels intact?

DISCUSS

[dramatispersonae]

Re: DISCUSS

[tsundead]

I.

Wow.

Re: DISCUSS

[fraternalorders]

[...what]

Re: DISCUSS

[steampunked]

. . . is ejaculating in a camel's eye and fleeing considered an inappropriate answer . . .

Re: DISCUSS

[aberdevine]

"Survival skills," he said. What does that even...

ANSWER

[dramatispersonae]

Re: ANSWER

[steampunked]

Okay, due to your spectacularly non-specific question, we've filled in a few details. When our sexually frustrated hero comes across the damsel in distress, due to his apparent problem in the trousers department he is imbued with testosterone and the pumped up desire to prove his masculinity! Clearly. Because that's how the male body works. Anyway. So he immediately whips off his sweater and surprises a werecamel by shoving the body part of the sweater into its mouth. Instant reins!

After that, he hops up onto the werecamel's back. He reaches for her hand in the commotion. Of course, there's a whole werecamel pack there, what the fuck are they gonna do about that? That's okay, though, because she was never in distress in the first place. She was just looking for suitable space and the right moment to aim her gigantic rocket launcher.

So as they're escaping on the werecamel, she turns back and she blows the rest of the fuckers to pieces. And then, since they're on a werecamel and getting off it would be a touch awkward and would end up involving biting, they go on a romantic werecamel ride around the lake until dusk ends, the camel disappears. Then, if the man's very lucky, they go find a quiet bush to take care of the sexual frustration situation.

And the sex was awesome. The end.

SITUATION TWO

[dramatispersonae]

As a young, fully human girl skips through the woods, she hears something ominous above her. She is equipped with a jumping rope, a snuggie, a fountain pen, and one large condom. Plan a way for her to escape from the One Winged Hippo alive.

DISCUSS

[dramatispersonae]

Re: DISCUSS

[aberdevine]

Lure it so that it runs into a tree and brains itself.

The end.

Re: DISCUSS

[tsundead]

...Well. She has a snuggie, so obviously she has terrible taste, and the Hippo wouldn't want to eat her anyway.

Re: DISCUSS

[steampunked]

Oh oh. Between the large condom and the fountain pen we totally have the ingredients for a condom catapault.

ANSWER

[dramatispersonae]

Re: ANSWER

[steampunked]

The answer is clearly that she strings up the jump rope between the trees, then starts to wave the . . . Snuggie . . . vigorously to catch its attention, before running to a safe distance. The hippo swoops down to get her, but is caught on the rope and keels forward! Then the girl uses the condom and the fountain pen together -- as a condompault, perhaps -- and twats the hippo right in the eye with it. Then all she's got to do is back off, as with a large animal and a pile of trees, in my experience eventually it's going to run into one face first. It'll shove the fountain pen into its brain, killing it instantly. And that's that.

SITUATION THREE

[dramatispersonae]

An older human male wanders too close to the pitcher roses. They begin strangling him and pulling him closer to the "petals", which are actually tongues surrounding a central spiral of teeth. The older man has chewing gum, two melons, one lilac dress, fishnet stockings, and black stiletto heels with him. How can he escape with at least 90% of his body intact?

DISCUSS

[dramatispersonae]

Re: DISCUSS

[tsundead]

I wonder if his being in a dress is just a distraction? At least he's got sharp heels ...?

ANSWER

[dramatispersonae]

PICK YOUR CHAMPION

[dramatispersonae]

Team, please choose one of your members to represent you in the final challenge of this game.

DISCUSS

[dramatispersonae]

ANSWER

[dramatispersonae]

FINAL CHALLENGE

[dramatispersonae]

CHALLENGER

[dramatispersonae]

[ Knife is now alone in the field, wearing a lovely lilac dress, fishnet stockings, black stiletto heels, and two melons . . . but you're probably more concerned about the vines that are strangling you and pulling you closer to the teeth of the pitcher rose. ]

AUDIENCE

[dramatispersonae]

[ Oh look, the center of the table has become a screen where you can watch what's happening to your teammate. Enjoy the show! ]