DREAM GAME ENDGAME

[dramatispersonae]

[ The black door slams shut and there's a hiss and a screech.

:3c but at least that is over with hm?

IF YOU DIED YOU ARE REVIVED AND IF YOU ARE HURT YOU ARE HEALED yyaaaayy ]

Comments

[forthefonofit]

As long as I sit wherever we get to, it will be fine. [starts to his feet]

[unfortunateson]

[gets up! okay let's head somewhere less crowded but not far away]

Thank you, sir. I know you have little interest in this. But I simply need to talk. And I do not need comfort or coddling, but nor do I need--moral superiority, or half-informed judgements of my character.

[forthefonofit]

[waves as he sits] Do continue.

[unfortunateson]

[sits and leans again, automatically]

. . . I am not sure where to begin.

I had a memory, some time ago, of when I was a graduate of the military academy. I do not remember all of the details of it. But it was the lowest I have ever felt in my life. I had--lost my purpose in life. I was confronted with fulfilling it and was not only unable to do so, but it was because of my own weakness and lack of self-worth. I had lost that thing which I had been fighting for. I no longer knew what to do with myself, or what good I was, or how to move forward. The thing which I had spent my life seeking was--an illusion--

And I feel much the same now. Regarding this place. I feel--so low. As if I am paralyzed into uselessness and being a burden on others. In fact, I was, during this game.

[forthefonofit]

Was it just this game?

[unfortunateson]

No. It has been going on for some time. I feel as though every time I make a decision to benefit another, lately, it ends up badly. But I do not know how to stop making them, even when I am doing harm. When I try, that is also the wrong choice. I have been accused . . . of being selfish, and a hypocrite, and a psychopath . . . someone who cares for no one enough to help them . . . someone who judges others from my own pedestal . . . all because I am trying to protect those I care about, and then--even that fails. And so I am told to back off, and I do so, and I am frozen in indecision. I cannot--do anything. Faced with an opportunity to make a change to benefit all of us, I did not know whether to take it. Because I was concerned with my morals. I have lost sight of everything that I want.

I truly am cursed.

[forthefonofit]

What is this everything that you want?

[unfortunateson]

. . . "To have a strong heart, to keep moving forward, to never waver . . . "

And to be a positive force in the lives of those I care for.

[forthefonofit]

What does it mean to have a strong heart?

[unfortunateson]

I-- [thinking about this]

. . . It was what I wanted . . . the purpose I found, that time . . .

To--to face forward. To live my life in the way I chose and not in the way that had been chosen for me. To truly believe in my choices.

[forthefonofit]

Is that something you want now?

[unfortunateson]

Yes--more than anything--and I feel I have lost it . . .

[forthefonofit]

What made you decide that the choices you would make were ones you couldn't place your faith in, so to speak? Because they could turn out to be the incorrect choices?

[unfortunateson]

. . . Yes. Because they so often have gone wrong. And because I have been criticized so harshly for making them. It was so easy, in the beginning. I believed I was doing my best by Ruby. And things worked out. But now . . . I feel I cannot do anything for anyone. And if I do not even try, I feel like I have failed them.

[forthefonofit]

Do you choose to live for the sake of others, then?

[unfortunateson]

. . . No . . . yes . . .

I--I cannot lack worth--that is what Major Hyuuga told me. If I do not assign myself worth, nothing I desire will answer to me any longer.

I can only--support others if I am not living entirely for their sake.

[forthefonofit]

Then besides others, what is the most important to you yourself? Or is it as you said before, having a strong heart, and to hold true to yourself without wavering?

[unfortunateson]

. . . Yes. It is. To stand on my own feet and face myself without flinching.

[forthefonofit]

And what makes you flinch?

[unfortunateson]

. . . When I am as unsure as I have been. And when I am not--useful.

[forthefonofit]

What would make you more confident in yourself?

[unfortunateson]

If I were not constantly doing the wrong thing . . . ! And if I--when I do the wrong thing--if I did not feel so crushed, as if I have let everyone down . . . rather than learning from it . . . I only feel depressed, and uncertain, and paralyzed.

[forthefonofit]

You certainly have the time to think about it now before you make some other decision. What have you learned so far? Or rather what can you learn from your past mistakes?

[unfortunateson]

That is the thing . . . I am not sure . . .

It seems that every time I attempt to meddle in things, it goes wrong. But only more recently. I--did good in the past, for Ruby, I think. And for others. And I can't bring myself to do nothing.

I remembered more of my job, at home. I was so good at it.

[forthefonofit]

I imagine your job in the past was vastly different than it is now. Start one-by-one rather than lumping everything together.