Game 52: Coral

[dramatispersonae]

[ You're in the middle of an empty field, save for your team and a table large enough to seat everyone. On the table are pen and paper, as well as a small black box. The box itself has an area covered with wire mesh and a large red button on it labeled "Record". As you settle in, a voice seems to come out of nowhere: ]

Today, we're here to test your wilderness survival skills. Are you ready?

(OOC: Each situation is both read aloud and can be found written on a piece of paper on the table. Answers can be written or spoken into the recorder.)

Comments

SITUATION ONE

[dramatispersonae]

A normal human male who has not jerked off in two weeks, but is looking quite fetching in his kilt, sports shoes, and sweater, has just been spotted by a pack of werecamels. They begin circling around her, looking very hungry. If you were this completely normal human, how would you escape from the werecamels intact?

DISCUSS

[dramatispersonae]

Re: DISCUSS

[pitching]

...what a dirty, old man.

Re: DISCUSS

[sacrifices]

What does a group of werecamels want just before noon?

A pack lunch.

Re: DISCUSS

[fraternaldevotion]

[what the . . .]

"Her"?

ANSWER

[dramatispersonae]

Re: ANSWER

[pitching]

I guess if the "her" is not important whatsoever, like maybe it's a packed lunch or something, we'd leave that behind as a distraction and make a run for it . But otherwise!

The human's gonna toss the kilt at one of the werecamels to confuse it first and then make a break for it. I have running shoes so I can probably run, right? Also if there's a loose thread in the sweater, he'll try to unravel it slowly ... what else was it ... oh yeah, make a sudden turn by a tree while attempting to tie it on a branch or a trunk, and then try tripping the camel. If that works, then the evil demon really is a jungle man and knows what he's talking about, and that human is very, very lucky.

[NODS SOLEMNLY]

SITUATION TWO

[dramatispersonae]

As a young, fully human girl skips through the woods, she hears something ominous above her. She is equipped with a jumping rope, a snuggie, a fountain pen, and one large condom. Plan a way for her to escape from the One Winged Hippo alive.

DISCUSS

[dramatispersonae]

Re: DISCUSS

[pitching]

...a dirty, old man that's really crazy.

Re: DISCUSS

[sacrifices]

The wing is its weakest point.

ANSWER

[dramatispersonae]

Re: ANSWER

[pitching]

This is another long answer so sorry about that.

We're gonna take the ...uh, mating ritual route. So see, she's gonna take that ugly, useless blanket to imitate a wing. The one-winged hippo will definitely be attracted to her! And because she probably doesn't have any better ideas than that, she'll begin a mating dance by hopping on a single leg and making a circle around the hippo.

In this mating ritual, the female normally presents the hippo with an edible leaf of some sort. However...uh, the condom looks just like the leaf so we're giving that thing instead. Once the mating dance is near the end, she will present the condom to the male hippo and it will try to eat it! But hopefully, it will choke on it and die.

And if that doesn't work, I guess she can try to stab the hippo with the pen while it's choking as a last resort.

...uh, that's it.

[NODS SOLEMNLY ONCE MORE]

SITUATION THREE

[dramatispersonae]

An older human male wanders too close to the pitcher roses. They begin strangling him and pulling him closer to the "petals", which are actually tongues surrounding a central spiral of teeth. The older man has chewing gum, two melons, one lilac dress, fishnet stockings, and black stiletto heels with him. How can he escape with at least 90% of his body intact?

DISCUSS

[dramatispersonae]

Re: DISCUSS

[pitching]

So this is what that persona does in his free times, huh? What counts as 10% of his body anyway? His hair and beard?

Re: DISCUSS

[fraternaldevotion]

[I give up trying to make sense of these situations]

ANSWER

[dramatispersonae]

Re: ANSWER

[pitching]

This one is shorter really!

It's very lucky that the old man decided to have this really interesting hobby. Because you see, using the stiletto heels that he brought with him, he'll quickly carve a face into one of the melons. Then while he's doing that, he'll scream in a high pitched voice, "NO, PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY BABY" and attempt to protect that...melon baby thing. Of course, anyone would be curious about such a thing and that would include the pitcher rose, right? Loud, annoying noises are distracting after all. So it'll try to steal the melon, and when that happens, that is when he'll use the opportunity to spit the chewing gum into the plant's mouth, and while it's busy chewing, he'll stab it with a heel and run away.

And because he's a smart old man, he'll eat the other melon when he's hungry as celebration and live for another day.

PICK YOUR CHAMPION

[dramatispersonae]

Team, please choose one of your members to represent you in the final challenge of this game.

DISCUSS

[dramatispersonae]

ANSWER

[dramatispersonae]

FINAL CHALLENGE

[dramatispersonae]

CHALLENGER

[dramatispersonae]

[ Souya is now alone in the field, wearing a lovely lilac dress, fishnet stockings, black stiletto heels, and two melons . . . but you're probably more concerned about the vines that are strangling you and pulling you closer to the teeth of the pitcher rose. ]

AUDIENCE

[dramatispersonae]

[ Oh look, the center of the table has become a screen where you can watch what's happening to your teammate. Enjoy the show! ]