dramatispersonae | Guy Cecil's Heart

I was a refugee on the surface. I lived as a servant in the Duke's service with Pere, another survivor.

Vandesdelca was the boy.

... He remained in the Qliphoth with Tear for some time.

[I'm sorry I. I have no cans for actual speech.

Strangled impotent rage noise.]

... That's why. For most my life, what gave me the strength to keep going was revenge.

And Van, eventually... compounded with the fact that this was all done for the sake of the Score... went mad trying to strip it form the world.

How did you ever stop?

. . . Is that a question or an accusation?

...A question.

... Someone showed me there was something else I could live for.

What happened to Hod was despicable. But Hod is gone. And the world still existed, no matter how much we hated that fact. And it still had good people in it, living their lives, millions of them. What does making them suffer like we did do? It started happening all around us, thanks to Van's efforts, and there wasn't any satisfaction. Just pain.

I still hate the Score. That'll never go away. And I'll always remember what happened to us. But I can't hate the world so much that I can ignore that what I believed had goodness and value in the first place still exists.

Edited 2012-09-17 16:17 (UTC)

...You're a lot stronger than I am, being able to think like that. Stronger than Van too, I guess. I can't even really imagine doing anything but lashing out.

... It sounds more principled than it is.

If it wasn't for Luke, I probably would have died for Van's sake.

[his hands slowly clench.]

Van used Luke to drop a city down just like Hod was dropped, and ten thousand people died. Luke never recovered. But instead of going mad, he spent the rest of his life desperately trying to save as many people as he could, thinking it was the only way he could have value while knowing there was no undoing what he did. Even here in Aather, he spends most of his time wanting to die.

... I'm just tired of everyone I care about being so desperate to die when all they leave is a hole.

[. . . Ok, Van and I are going to have a talk about disclosure, soon.]

I... I don't understand how anyone would want to die, even in that situation. I get angry at Selenia when it comes up, even though I know I can't get through to him like that and--

I don't know. Maybe it's different for me. But death is scary and painful and terrible and it's not the end, so why would anyone possibly want that? How could they?

. . .

. . . I hate it too.

I don't speak from personal experience. Just from being the survivor.

It's just miserable.

Nobody wins.

No. And the world just keeps going.

When you could be living and taking what you need out of it. Giving back. Whatever you want.

... That's what I want for Luke. And for Van. It became so obvious watching them that the option for me just wasn't there anymore.